Ivan

It’s 7:33pm here, currently I am sitting on my bed not doing much. It’s freezing in the house. But that’s okay I always hang out in long sleeves and a stocking cap so I will survive. I haven’t written in a long time, I suppose I haven’t known what to say. Taking things 1 day at a time. I’ve been anxious all day today, almost crying and freaking out or maybe I did I can’t remember. But before today the anxiety wasn’t real bad, but the depression beast has consumed me and my mind now, I feel pretty much nothing the last week. I’ve hung out in my bed and haven’t talked or done anything. I pop my headphones in and listen to music (currently Rosemary by Deftones)

I pray. I talk to God. I ask for forgiveness. I worry about assurance of my faith. I wonder if I need to be baptized again since I was young when I was baptized? I don’t know many things swirling around in my brain. But I can say I feel pretty shitty on the depression side of things, sad and down and really thinking back on my life and all the stupid choices I made, all the regrets for not doing this or doing that. It’s consuming my mind but I will snap out of it. Or they’ll send me to the looney bin…(I hope not)

I plan on going to the library tomorrow I want to get a book, something other than a Christian book, or a commentary. More like maybe a fiction or something different maybe I just need a little change. I don’t know what I like anymore l, all I read are Puritan writings it seems for the past year straight I love the Puritan works but I am wanting to read something else as well, I’ll look up some books and write down a list before I head to the library.

I put in a few applications still waiting to hear back, probably seeing a 2 year gap of unemployment makes them weary of hiring me. But I will press on or try to or at least act like I’m okay for the few people around me. But I’m praying and asking God to heal me if it’s His will for me. I don’t like having dark thoughts or sometimes this scary stuff in my brain. Keep my focus and thoughts on things above. I will close and get off here for now. Look up some books to maybe check out at the library tomorrow.

Never ending circle

It is Saturday sometime in October around 754pm. I’m sitting in my bed seems to be the most luxurious spots to sit at the moment so I will take it. I have been okay lately I suppose? I don’t really know it all seems like a never ending circle. I wake up. I go walk. I come home. I sit at the table. I read. I write. (lately not so much) I pray. I talk to God. I listen to the Bible on audio and follow along. I stare off aimlessly into the abyss. Then it’s about time to try and fall asleep. Everyday nothing changes. Makes you wonder sometimes is this real? I haven’t had bad anxiety or panic attacks but my mind is always trying to pollute my thoughts with negativity, I have to be careful and not fall into the trap.

I think I’m okay to get out and start working again like a normal creature. I’m going to start looking and applying wherever next week, just need to get back to be used to the commotion of people and loud sounds around me so I’ll take anything to start off with. My brain always feels heavy and my eyes are weird heavy as well and lightheaded I suppose it is stress and anxiety, I’ve been to the ER 16 or 17 times and have had many brain scans and chest scans and blood tests, it always checked out so it must all be in my head.

I’ve been looking at some new books to get I have a new favorite author George Swinnock I really enjoy and take comfort in his writing. It’s hard to find his works seems always sold out or something I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll just have to piece them together 1 or 2 at a time it’s a 5 volume collection so it shouldn’t be to hard. I will end this now to talk to myself since I have no friends or anyone to talk to anymore, that’s sad isn’t it, just staying here by myself not talking to anyone or doing anything, I’m a loser. But it will get better I hope.

Walking

It’s 1231 in the afternoon and I just got back from walking a trail, prettt good considering I sometimes freak out if I have to leave my house but everything was fine and the trail was good, I was hoping to see more birds but it was full of huge trees and a river. I have come to the conclusion that I am wayyyy out of shape after that trek, I only walked 2.5 miles but it was hilly and inclines but it just shows when you sit around in the hermit hut all day you fall out of shape. I’m going to do this daily, it was nice to be out in the nature. I only saw a couple of people and 1 older laser with a wiener dog that tried attacking me but other than that all was good. Little sore but I’m glad I got out and did something. I used to walk every morning and night this time last year and I felt a lot better so hopefully I will start feeling better again. That’s all for now I’m starving I should’ve eaten breakfast or something before I left to walk I’ll do that tomorrow.

Past Present Future

So it’s around 210 in the afternoon my wife just left to go back to work from her lunch break, so now I’m here hanging out with myself as usual. I used to be a people person maybe not a people person but I was completely cool around people. Now days I’m a lone wolf pacing through my den solo. Besides her and my dad and little brother but since he moved to Mesa, Arizona not so much him anymore they are the people I’m okay around. I need to pray about it. I like people I just don’t like being around them.

1 more day in September then it’s October I always like October and November. I’ll be another year older I’m November I’m not sure how old either 36, 37, or 38 lol I don’t remember I’ll ask my wife. For my birthday I’m asking for some books and a clock like Jonny Keens! I need to know the time, the day of the week and the date I would feel like my wolf den is somewhat more modern if I knew the month and time. I will close here to get off and read some of Herman Bavinck The Wonderful Works of God and write a bit in my notebook. I need to redo the pipes under the kitchen sink but my brain feels like mush and I need to be somewhat coherent to figure out the pipes I need to buy so the little leak gets fixed. Can’t have that turn into a big problem. So later I will make an assessment and write down what I need, then go to Ace Hardware and get my supplies. Until that adventure I’ll be here in the den hanging out and talking to myself and my cats.

William Gurnall

If your faith has not grown, those temptations which fit you then, will still fit you now! If you find that the power of sin is declining, you may know that your faith is more lively and vigorous. The harder the blow, the stronger the arm that gives it. A child cannot strike as strong a blow as a man, weak faith cannot give a knockout blow to sin as a strong faith can. William Gurnall

Drift

It’s 949pm here I figured I would type a few words on here, I’ve been keeping up with my paper journal maybe I can do the same here just with a lot less words. I have come to look forward to writing something about the pen the notebook the sense of putting things on paper, makes me feel somewhat productive and I can go back and see how I was doing at that certain time. I don’t know what to say about my mental state? Maybe I’m forever unstable? Or maybe I’m completely fine but I’ve gotten so used to the feeling that ‘I’m depressed’ ‘I’m anxious’ then I’ve just let it creep in and stay for the last almost 2 years now it’s just a part of me. I don’t want it to be like that I’m going to have to make some changes and they will be hard and I’m sure there will be panic attacks and feelings of dread and worry but, this isn’t living. God has a purpose for me and I’m just sitting here wasting away not doing anything with the things He gives and provides. He is with me, He knows how it all plays out for His glory, why should I worry or panic about not being in control? Give it to Him and praise and honor Him even during suffering. I have the Almighty Creator of the Universe on my side I should be able to get through a day without worry!

On another note I’m trying to decide if I want to use Field Notes little notebooks to write in or just cheap paper notebooks. The field notes look sweet but sometimes is a chore to write small and fit everything in the small lines. I will sign off for now, I saw Jonny uploaded a video so I’m going to watch that.

All Things For Good

It’s 7:37pm and I’m lounging in my bed reading All Things For Good, just a few more pages to go and it’ll be done. I really like this book, Thomas Watson is a great writer. I don’t know what I’ll read after this is done. Maybe another Thomas Watson like The Doctrine of Repentance. Or Thomas Brooks I’m not sure. Lately I’ve been having brain fog I guess you would call it, kinda hard to concentrate my brain feels slow. Who knows? Honestly I feel like I want to stop taking my Xanax, so I need them or am I taking them because I’m addicted? I really don’t know if I’m better? How will I know if I’m always on these things? I feel like a pill head. I want to work and be normal again, I’m gonna stop taking them but I’ve been on them for daily for over a year so I will have to taper off them I’m not sure how to do that I’ll look something up. Even if I’m not cured I would rather not be like this it’s like I’m dumbed down and slow now because of these pills? I just don’t like it anymore. I’m going to pray about it and then start to get things in order and stop these pills (drugs) I’m basically a druggie it feels like! I’m gonna have a schedule where I get up and go to sleep at the same time, I’m gonna exercise and walk, I’m gonna eat better, I just want to feel okay again not bogged down and fuzzy brained. I hope it works out, I hope I can do it and all these things that I want. If it’s the Lords will then with Him and His grace I will. I don’t know what else to say, i don’t write here much anymore, I do write daily in my paper journals which I seem to enjoy like I get a good feeling thinking about writing in my journal tomorrow I look forward to it. I’ll close for now. I hope your all well.

Believers Walk With Christ

1023 pm and I’m just sitting here not doing a whole lot, checking out Reformation Heritage Books catalog think about Berkhof Systematic Theology reprinted version is out now I’ll put it on my list and think about it.
Today has been okay, not so much anxious of late more so like depressed I can’t really explain but dark thoughts were flooding my brain all last week so I’m praying this week is better, I didn’t like the way I was feeling last week it was almost scary didn’t feel like myself. Thankfully by Gods grace and mercy He allowed me a new week and I’m okay for now. Just got done eating supper which was super late now that I think about it lol and drank this Ginger Ale Vernors man I don’t wanna get to excited but this is a great pop. Zero sugar one. I’ve never really had it before it’s good though. I don’t really know what else to report, had some things with the house over the weekend that was unexpected black mold under a rug and in the hardwood. Luckily it was a small area and my dad came over and we got it cleaned and the rug disposed off. I’m allergic to mold so I’m glad I decided to look under that rug, how longs it been there? Sheesh Glad it’s gone that did mess with my anxiety level though thinking I was mold poisoned from spores. But we’re good now I think. I’ll get off here and read John MacArthur The Believer’s Walk With Christ and the Bible. Some Psalms, also started Hebrews and I’m am really liking Hebrews.