Melancholy

1051pm and I’m just sitting here at the dining room table thinking, good thoughts? Not really, I was just kind of hanging out with my wife and talking before she went to bed, maybe it’s my mind or broken brain but she doesn’t seem happy. Why would she be happy? Being stuck with me and my mental illness/illnesses, disease, anxiety, depression and whatever else is rotting and festering in my brain chemistry. It’s a burden I’m sure, being around me when I’m never happy or positive. I can be happy but I don’t show it.

Like a shell or something just hovering around from room to room. Reading writing praying, freaking out crying with panic attacks thinking I’m going to die, same stories different days. I wish I was different. I wish I was like I used to be, I think I was better then she seemed more happy I could go out and do things we could laugh and go out to eat or the mall, and I would be okay around people. I didn’t always like it and I didn’t enjoy it but I wouldn’t freak out about it and I knew she liked going and doing things so I would go. Now I just sit here and go to the grocery store every now and then maybe Walmart with her. What a husband, how lucky she is…I’m sorry my love.

So other than those thoughts circling around my head, I’m praying and reading I started reading John today and I’m enjoying it, I need the Holy Spirit to fill me and illuminate all these words and commands from Jesus so I can take it all in, understand and apply it to my life. I know salvation is nothing g to do with my own doing but what have I done for God? I sin, I don’t have patience, I don’t love people, I’m not winning any souls to Him. I want to feel like I’m of some use, I want people to know I’m a follower of Jesus.

I will close for now and read John and use a commentary with it to try and gain as much knowledge as possible, I need knowledge from the Holy Spirit not just these ‘humans’ that write.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
John 1:1 (CSB translation)

Another day

It’s 1214 in the afternoon and I’m still feeling tired and heavy whatever that means? My limbs feel heavy like I’m dragging my legs around. I really need to mow, and maybe I will cause it’s in the 80’s today instead of 90-98’s.

Nothing really earth shattering or amazing to report in my life. I have just been doing the same I do everyday. Read a bit, browse around YouTube a bit, look for books that look good. My dad is moving into a smaller room for his office so he is kind of getting rid of a few books (giving them to me) and I appreciate it because I’m trying to grow my little library collection. So today or the other day when he was in town he brought me a old Ryrie Study Bible he got in 1983 (the year I was born) it’s a little beat up, but I have to say I’m really liking it especially the layout and font, some Bibles the chapters and verses are so close and look jumbled this one is spaced out and easy on the eyes. He also gave me some old Ryrie books, and a A.W. Pink book, Im not sure what else he’ll bring me but I’m definitely appreciative for them. I’ve almost got a bookshelf filled which I like to look at.

Not much more to say at the moment, I will get off and see what the day holds. Maybe I will be healed today? Maybe I will have a encounter with The Lord? How awesome that would be! Still praying and reading and writing.

Heavenly Father

221am just sitting here, can’t sleep
I don’t know how I feel? I’ve been sitting in this chair for 3 hours 23 minutes just daydreaming or thinking or maybe not thinking I’m not sure? It’s a blank void, like my life. Another day drifted past and I accomplished nothing, I didn’t provide anything of substance or positivity to the world or my wife. Just like the day before, the week before, the month before. I haven’t read today, I haven’t written, except for this just now. I’m not real anxious, is it depression, is it some manic state. I don’t know, my mind isn’t normal so who knows what’s going on. Is this shit even real? It’s some dream and I can’t wake up, stuck in this circle of repeat. No that’s my brain making up things, being negative. Heavenly Father come down and fix me, fix my brain, my mind, my heart. I know I have been living in sin for years and now that I’ve been sick or whatever this is I’ve gotten back to Your words, and wanting to live for You. I’m sorry for being a disgrace I’m sorry for constantly sinning! You tell us not to be anxious, not to be fearful, but to keep our eyes on You and You will light the way. I’m in the dark here Jesus and I need You to light my way! I need the Holy Spirit to wake up inside of me, Illuminate The Words i read in the Bible and give me the knowledge to understand and the strength to apply.

Praying Reading Writing

Today has been okay, thank you Jesus for giving me this okay day. Right now it’s 648pm and I’m just sitting here at the dining room table reading
The Glory of Christ-John Owen
The Bible-Gospel of Matthew
And using the Expository Thoughts on Matthew-J.C. Ryle

Writing a little in my notebook waiting for my wife to get home from work.It’s been a hot day and somewhat humid not as bad as it has been, I really need to go out and mow the lawn, but I was lazy today. Tomorrow I will get that done. I need to get a part time job to maybe get in a routine? I don’t know even the thought of it makes me get anxious. But I don’t feel like a providing husband when I sit here and my wife works 11-12 hour shifts. What am I putting into this? I’m praying about it and asking God for a meaning and purpose. I don’t feel like I have one, it’s like I just exist here in my house and don’t really do anything, just live in my thoughts and hope to be anxious free. 37 I should be working for another 20 years at least. When I’m not sick anymore hopefully I’ll be able to, and be a normal person. Or at least making a contribution to my family.

I wanna go out for a walk tonight when it cools off. Not much more to say at the moment. Still praying and reading. Praying for healing, praying for everyone who’s sick, praying for Jonny, please heal us Dear Father. I’ll get off here for now not much else to say

Tuesday, Friday, Monday

I’m almost certain it’s Tuesday sometimes I forget because I really never have any commitments anymore since this mental plague of anxiety/depression struck me down. It could be Thanksgiving for all I know..? I have been staying up pretty late lately like 2-330 am and waking up around 10am. Not the healthiest sleep schedule but I get all of a sudden wide awake around 1130-12 midnight. Also it’s a time that is quiet when the house is asleep along with my wife, her phone isn’t watching some loud video. I can go in the other room sure, but I like the quiet nighttime in the dining room with whatever stack of books I brought out for the night.

My wife has to stay at work late all week so she leaves at 7am and gets home at 8pm, the thought was making me a bit anxious last night, I don’t always like being solo or at least without her. I know I just said I like quiet while she’s asleep but I still know that she’s there in the other room, it’s weird but I’m crazy so it’s okay. Today has went by pretty quick it’s 351pm I’m sitting here at the dining room table about to write some, and read some. Matthew I have being slowly reading and re-reading along with a couple different commentaries to get varied thoughts 3 days of the lineage and the 3 wise men going to Bethlehem. I’ve been reading, I think it’s time to move on to the next chapter Tim!

I’ve been using
Expository Thoughts on The Gospel of Matthew by J.C. Ryle
Matthew Henry Commentary (giant one volume)
I’ve been looking at some other commentaries I would like to get since I only have these 2 really for Matthew I ram still new to wanting to really read and study, sadly 37 years and just now I have a longing. I’m thinking about Geneva but I do t even know if they have a Matthew commentary or Reformed Expository Commentary Series 2 volume Matthew for 42$

In my head I’ve also been thinking about Eastern Orthodoxy, maybe want to learn more about it. I’m not sure why, just something that has popped into my brain. I will get off here for now to float around my house and read and write think and pray.

Thank You Lord for this decent day

1149 pm and I’m wide awake or feeling tired. Luckily it’s been a decent day, which I needed because the past week I’ve been having daily panic/anxiety attacks. So thank you Jesus for giving my mind this mental respite. I’ll keep praying for more better days. Also keep praying about everything not just that I need healing, that has been troubling me a lot of late. I want to have the same urgency to pray on these good days, I want to want to cry out to God in praise not just when I’m in need or my brain is having panic! I made a book list of some books I will get over the course of the rest of the year, and added a few more that I saw Jonny talk about. Still reading Proverbs for devotions, and reading Matthew I was going to start Acts but found myself in Matthew instead as glad I am, hearing Jesus’ speak, and heal, and cast out demons, and preach has been good for my mind.

I start dreaming in my head what it would’ve even like to be there, to listen to Him preach and teach, to ask for healing, to walk with Him as a disciple. My mind really takes me to those places and the thoughts of being near Jesus makes me emotional I don’t know if that is weird. I know I have the Holy Spirit in me and am still being taught by Jesus through His scriptures but those thoughts of being there in those days are amazing!

We have been having bad storms all day, I went with my wife to the grocery store to pick up a couple of things and I got some Diet Dr Pepper. Then I picked up a few composition notepads, and some pens. I’ve yet to find a pen that I really enjoy, they either don’t write the way I like, or don’t feel right in the hand so hopefully these ones are good. I don’t wanna spend 30 bucks for some epic pen. So maybe these are good. I don’t know much much else to say for now, so I’ll get off here and read/write/daydream.

Words/Thoughts

Having a bit of a panic attack now, I don’t even know why they just come on out of nowhere so I take a Xanax and pace around the house try and keep my mind from thinking of the worse. Your not dying! You have been through this a thousands times before! All the brain/heart/blood tests have always been normal! Tell myself over and over. Still can’t get my stupid brain to calm and believe the tests the doctors. I hate when I have these episodes lately more and more frequently. Praying and reading my Bible asking for healing and if it’s Jesus will that I go through this then I need to trust in Him but I’m having a hard time with my mind, I believe Lord help me with my unbelief. I can’t remember the verse.